Perseverance through Pain…
I hope that each of you reading this has had a great week and is as blessed as I am by retelling this story. I will say that going back and really thinking about these important moments has been tough, but therapeutic at the same time. The book of James (1:2-4) speaks to us about considering tough times as pure joy,, as they help us build perseverance. I agree with that, but have you ever been to a point where you think, “Ok, I get it, enough of this lesson.” I have been there too, but by looking back at the times we have struggled through, I can see the growth we have made and how my relationship with Jesus has grown. Oh! Don’t get me wrong, it was hanging by a thread in some places, as we have even gotten to the toughest parts yet, but looking at where I was to where I am now is amazing. I have learned to trust again, but that trust was tested, pushed, left for dead, and reborn in a flood of tears. If you are going through something, know you are not alone and that we have all had our story to tell. This is just mine; I don’t know yours, but I am willing to pray with you while you search for that trust.
When we last spoke, we were dealing with the uncomfortableness of what we were looking at. For the next couple of months, life became very scheduled and routine. I would get up, make sure my wife was ok, and make sure everything was laid out for the day. Food was ready, pills were laid out and scheduled in baggies, so we were careful of the timing, and then my mom would come to the house and sit with my wife while I went to work. I would work until lunch, then drive the 30 minutes home to change her bandages and clean her wound before driving back to finish my day. When I got home, I would help her bathe, do her hair (God Bless you, ladies, for this. I never knew), and spend some time with her watching TV. During the night, I would get up with her at first because she was uneasy on her walker. Remember, she is doing all of this on one foot and while in pain. This was just about every day except for the two or three days a week when we had to go to the wound clinic and see the doctor and nurses. The nurses there would become like family. We will talk about them in another post, but thank you to all the nurses of the world who are true heroes.
My wife took all of this in stride because she is an amazing woman. She was upset about it, but I knew she was holding it all in for my benefit. Really, it was just overwhelming, and we just were not going to let it sink in. Just do the work, do what needs to be done, do what is required. You all know this. You simply go into a state of focus and shut off those emotions. I had done the same, to be honest, I still have not dealt with much of it. I couldn’t. I had to be strong for her. All of this compartmentalization came to a head one night.
What you don’t know about my wife is that she is a strong woman, both mentally and will, so she isn’t comfortable with needing so much help. It is funny that this just hit me, but she was dealing with her own uncomfortableness. I would move her from the couch when I come home at night and put her in a wheelchair so she could move around the house more freely. We would grow to hate that wheelchair over the next eight months. Being herself, she leaned over to get a book that she wanted to read off a shelf, and the wheelchair came out from under her.
She crashed to the floor with a giant thud and a scream. I ran in instantly as I was cleaning up in the other room. She was on the floor, and I helped her to me and held her as she cried. This wasn't a soft cry, but more of a guttural whaling. I had never heard this before. Everything was coming out all at once. It was a sound that I hope to never hear again. As she cried there with me on the floor, I just held her as she kept repeating the words, “my foot and why”. We knew at this time that all the automation we had for approaching the days ahead was not going to be ok. We were going to have to talk about this. We sat on the floor as she moved through all the emotions, crying for sadness, crying while just simply angry, and back to unbelievable sadness. Not many nights have been like this one, and I don’t want to experience them, but I knew she needed me to simply be there, quiet, with open arms. I am in a good place now, but I will admit that in those moments, I was so angry with the Lord. As James says, the tougher times would help us build the perseverance we would need in the future for something even worse than this night. I didn’t know it at this time, but the strength of coming through it would help me in times to come.
Talk again soon….
