I hope each of you is doing well. As you know, I took last week to recharge with a little family vacation time. We didn’t actually go on vacation, but as I get older, a few days to do some projects around the house seem like a vacation. I will also admit that this was not a post I was looking forward to writing. I ran from the emotions of this post, so now I plan to face them head-on.
“God has said, ‘Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.’” Hebrews 13:5.
I hope not, as I will need Him to get through this.
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October 1, 2025 — 9:30 a.m. — I wrote a text to my group of friends:
This morning at 9:30, our sweet [Private Name] was born and opened her eyes in heaven, never knowing the pain of this world. We take comfort in knowing the first face she saw was that of Jesus. She is with Him now, and He will love and care for her. Our family was able to be together as she was baptized and held by her loved ones. She will be loved now in heaven. Thank you for all of your support. I will keep you updated. I love each of you, and thank you for being there.
This would be the hardest text I had ever written.
When my son had told us we were going to be grandparents, it was a fun moment. We had actually started talking about drywall. If you know me at all, you would know that I am a bit of a talker. He FaceTimed with my wife and me to discuss drywall in his bathroom, and I rambled on for about 10 minutes, all the while not noticing that there were about four pregnancy tests on the side of the tub. He was waiting for either my wife or me to see them, so it was a bit before his wife just jumped in and said, “Can you stop talking about drywall and just tell them?”
It was then that we knew. Our hearts were so excited for us, them, everyone.
I had been waiting a long time for this news. I believe I spoke about it earlier in a post, but I was unable to have any children other than my son, whom I met when he was in second grade. When I found out that having any further children was not in the cards for my wife and me, it was sad.
But… I understood. I could come to understand that the Lord just didn’t have that in our story. I was sad that I wouldn’t have that moment in my grandmother’s home to announce we were expecting, but I was okay.
I was okay because I knew I was going to have grandchildren one day.
That day had finally come.
I was so happy.
Losing our girl… broke my heart, broke my spirit, broke my faith, and simply broke me.
Our girl was diagnosed with a birth defect that didn’t allow her to have a fully developed skull. She was growing and developing, but she was not going to survive.
I had a hard time understanding how this could happen.
I had a hard time not being angry.
I had a hard time being okay with my son having to deal with this when I had been told I wasn’t going to be able to have children. To be honest, that was very hard for me. I just thought, “Lord, how dare You do this to my son when I accepted it? I took the hit. He shouldn’t have to.”
Sadness.
Pain.
Hurt.
ANGER!
I have spoken to you about those potholes that exist in our journey to find who we are, who we are going to be, and who He sees us as, and now I was stuck again.
I had turned around.
I will admit.
I turned my back on the journey.
I turned my back on Him.
Not because I didn’t believe He was still there.
I felt Him.
I just didn’t want Him there. I was angry. I was hurt. I was in pain.
I was lost again.
I didn’t want to move forward. That is hard to admit.
I had been through so much and overcome so much through the love of the Lord, but I found myself stuck again. I had such a moving experience with Joseph, but I simply didn’t care. Not at this moment.
Stuck in the same potholes of anger, sadness, and pain. I started picking those old crutches up again.
Laugh so they don’t notice the pain.
Withdraw so they don’t see the anger.
Find ways to mask it all. Even when it affects relationships.
But eventually, I would start to walk again. I don’t want to leave you with any thought other than that.
How?
Well, that is what we will discuss next.
Talk again soon….
